


Placeholder Title

by EJwrites



Series: Placeholder Title [1]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-12-01 00:11:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11474547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EJwrites/pseuds/EJwrites
Summary: "That's our relationship: I push too hard and you do things without my consent.""Now we can end it, or accept it as it is."*record scratch* yup, that sure is a recognition of an unhealthy dynamic and an ultimatum.  you might be wondering, "why didn't they get to talk more about it?"  well I don't know, but here is a fic after everything is finished and done exploring what they could have meant.p.s. i love cophine this isn't hate.  this is just... i really wanted them to Communicate, ya know?  this was very much not communication.  this is a love letter to what they could be after all the conspiracy crap is done.





	Placeholder Title

**Author's Note:**

> this is going to be a small part of a much larger whole of my eventual season 5 fix-it coshayphine epic. idk if this will stay up or get updated with info on that when it comes out.
> 
> also I have no idea how this conversation started or if this is the beginning, middle, or end of a chapter. honestly, i don't know why i'm sharing it now. i just.. really wanted to address this Right Now bc.. GOD i really hated those lines. it was so close to communication. this friggin close.
> 
> ANYHOO follow [coshayphinelove](www.coshayphinelove.tumblr.com) on tumblr for more discussions of healthy communication or to message me if you have some kind of Problem with it.

“You told me to just accept our toxicity or leave!”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“Oh really?What else could you have possibly meant?”

“It doesn’t matter now,” Delphine growled, pushing her fingertips into her forehead. 

She was about to get angry at her tone, but Delphine looked like she wanted to jump out the window and sprint away until her legs gave out.The anger wasn’t directed outward.

Cosima softened.This isn’t what she intended when she’d started this conversation.

“Yeah it does.”She sat on the bed, taking a deep, calming breath.“What did you mean?”

“It doesn’t _matter._ It’s just another thing I messed up.”She sucked in a shaky breath and turned away.

This was really not what she wanted.

She rose from the bed, walking slowly around the room until she faced Delphine. 

She wouldn’t meet her eyes, she kept staring at the ground trying to get her bottom lip to stop trembling.She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

Cosima reached out for Delphine’s hand.She didn’t immediately lace their fingers together like normal and it shattered Cosima’s heart.She stifled her hurt, she knew she’d been reluctant to accept physical comforts from Delphine before and that must have hurt just as much.She brought Delphine’s hand up to her chest, right over her heart, just like Delphine had done on multiple occasions.She rubbed her thumbs over the back of her hand.

“I’m not mad at you, Delphine.”

She scoffed.“Then why were you just yelling?” she whimpered.

“Because I’m frustrated.With myself.With our past situation.And sometimes talking about this stuff with you feels like I’m pulling teeth.”

Delphine winced.

Cosima plowed on.“I want to know what you meant so I can understand you better, what was happening better.I want to know everything that went on with you so I can… I don’t know, reconcile that with your actions.Because if I can fully understand what you went through then I can fully forgive you.And then we can move on.Don’t you want to get past all this life and death bullshit?”

Delphine’s fingers wiggled under her hands.She let go, not wanting to hold her there if that’s not what she wanted.Instead of pulling away, Delphine just stroked her collarbone.

“Yes,” she stated simply.

“So you’ll tell me what you meant?”

Delphine sighed.“I meant that…I love you.No matter what.I will always protect you.You… You don’t always like my means but I… I don’t always like yours.”She chanced a glance up at Cosima’s face.Seeing no anger, just a open and curious look, she continued, “And if you didn’t want to continue being with me because of that, the lying and the keeping things from you, then you didn’t have to.Because you deserve better than a relationship that you don’t like.”She nodded once to herself and looked away again.

Cosima sighed, a small smile growing on her face.“So it wasn’t an ultimatum?”

Delphine shook her head, starting slow then growing to vehement.“I only want what you are willing to give me.And if you weren’t willing to be my girlfriend anymore then…”

“You were giving me an out,” she supplied.

Delphine nodded sadly.

Cosima grinned.“See Delphine?Now I’m not mad at you at all.Because I know what you actually meant.There’s nothing to forgive you for because it wasn’t something to be sorry for.”

“Yes there is.”Delphine’s face hardened.“I made you feel trapped.It wasn’t intentional but I made you choose something.I made it seem like I… I don’t know!Like it was your fault for seeing problems.”

Cosima brought her hands to Delphine’s face.She swiped the huge tear that slipped down Delphine’s cheek away. 

“But that’s not what you meant to do.Yes, I was mad at the time but that’s because you didn’t say what you meant.And I interpreted you literally and didn’t look at the subtext.It’s just a misunderstanding.”

A few more tears escaped and Cosima caught them all. 

“I guess,” Delphine whispered.

“We’re both pretty bad at this talking and feelings thing, huh?”

Delphine breathed a laugh.“I don’t know why you put up with me.”

“Come here,” Cosima murmured. 

She pulled Delphine in.They kissed lightly, once, before Delphine buried her face in Cosima’s neck.She felt Delphine’s desperate claw hands (a name she had affectionately come up with in her head) under her shoulder blades.Where her own hands rested on Delphine’s back she felt her shudder.She closed her eyes and pressed into Delphine’s neck.

She thought about telling Delphine.If any time to tell her was the right time, it was now.

“Come lay with me,” she leaned towards the bed.

Delphine nodded.

Once they were situated, Delphine’s ear resting on Cosima’s chest and Cosima’s face buried in Delphine’s hair, she murmured, “So I’ve been thinking.”

Delphine nodded, signaling that she was listening.

“I’m pretty sure I need therapy.I think I have PTSD and I think I’ve been depressed for a while.I don’t know what to do and I need help,” she rushed out.

Delphine rolled over and propped herself on her elbow.She reached out with her free hand and ran it over her jaw line.“Of course.You’ve told me that,” she said, her face a question mark.

Cosima bit her lip.“Yeah.I did.”She didn’t know why she was hesitating.It’s not like this was a bad thing.She closed her eyes and drew a breath.“I’ve been researching therapists and some of them do couple’s therapy.Like, a one-on-one session with each party and then a couple session.”She grimaced.

Delphine’s eyebrows rose, “You want to do couple’s therapy?”

Cosima sighed.“Do you remember,” she started not sure why this struck her right this very second but following the thought to the end.“That time in your apartment when I _really_ wanted to have sex but I was so hella baked that I kept getting distracted?”

Delphine nodded, more confused after every word left her mouth.“I made hot cocoa.”

“Yeah,” Cosima smiled.“We cuddled and you fell asleep.And then I decided that I was ready and startled you and you spilled hot cocoa all over yourself.”

“Well, it was more of a cold cocoa at that point.”

Cosima giggled.“Yeah,” she sighed and ran her hand over Delphine’s cheek.“Or what about the time you saw the trailer for the new Star Wars and you got so excited you couldn’t speak English?”

“I could speak English!I just didn’t want to,” she muttered indignantly.

“You remember our only movie date, right?”

Delphine just grumbled incoherently.

“You ate half my popcorn and you hated the movie so much you were still hating on it an hour and a half later after dinner.”

“It was a bad movie.”

They both sighed and stared into each others eyes.

“Those are the moments that I loved, that’s the relationship I want.And I don’t know how to get there aside from talking to each other.But all we do is talk.And it’s just the same thing every time: I yell, you cry, and we both feel guilty about stuff we’ve forgiven each other for.”She sighed heavily, fighting tears, “That’s why I wanted to end the conspiracy stuff so badly.I wanted to be free to have a lifetime of those moments with you.And now it’s over and we’re here and…”She hated herself for the quiet sobs that escaped her throat.She hid behind her hands.“I just want to be happy with you.I just want to have a good, happy, and healthy relationship.” 

Delphine pulled her hands away from her face.She wiped Cosima’s tears away.She leaned in slowly until their noses touched each other.And she stopped, letting her lead. 

Cosima bridged the gap and pressed their lips together.She grabbed fistfuls of Delphine’s hair and she gasped.Cosima sniffled and pressed their lips back together.They lost track of time, laying there crying and passionately making out, but when they parted for air Delphine booped her nose. 

Cosima gave a wobbly smile.Just like old times.

Delphine smiled back.“I want that too.I want to be better.And I want to feel better.I don’t want to be scared all the time anymore.”

Cosima nodded, bumping their foreheads together a bit.“I’ll make the appointments right now.”

Delphine rolled off and sat on the edge of the bed.She wiped her face in a futile effort as tears continued to stream down her face.Cosima stood and pressed a million teary kisses to her face, all over her forehead, cheeks, chin.

“I love you so much, Delphine.I’m so excited to start building our future.”

“Je t’aime.”She pressed a soft, loving kiss to Cosima’s lips, sobs cutting it short.“Me too.”


End file.
